Feedback Report

Beta reading of REDACTED by REDACTED

Date of reading start: 1/16/23

Date of reading completion: 2/12/23

woods.betareading@gmail.com

**Discretion advised: report includes explicit language and mild sexual content** 

Note from the reviewer

Firstly, I wanted to thank you for allowing me to critique your work. I could tell how much time and work went into this novel. You’ve developed some great concepts and truly enjoyable characters! The feedback listed here is what I think would help improve REDACTEDthe most. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you'd like to discuss any portion of my feedback or have any questions! 

First Impression

A quick summary of my emotions during the reading, any superficial (or not) hate towards a character, did I understand the plot? Were there any slow parts? Was I gripped by the story? When? And when wasn't I?

My first impression during the initial reading was that maybe the author’s first language is not english. While the writing was purposeful, there were either certain words missing from sentences or singular/plural nouns were reversed, etc. This issue will most certainly be resolved with the help of an editor, which I highly recommend spending the money on since you intend to self publish. Not only will the editor help polish the language, they will make sure all grammar and novel elements are correct. For example, there were a few punctuation marks missing– like commas and end quotation marks throughout the book. An additional read through for correct dialogue tagging would also be helpful as there were multiple instances where two characters were speaking (REDACTED and another) and the tags read “he said” for both speakers. As the POV is first person, these should be changed to reflect REDACTED’s dialogue. The editor should correct that as well. Not a deal breaker, but it can be distracting to readers. 

I was also surprised by the initial spicy scenes! The use of words like “jones” and “length of him” was clever and helped keep the scenes engaging. Words like “penis” and “boobs” really take a reader out of the immersion so I was glad to see the language used in your steamy scenes was tasteful. As I am a woman, I didn’t think I’d be able to relate to the sexual intimacy between two men but I found myself enjoying it, mostly for REDACTED ’s sake! Sometimes with sensual scenes it’s easy to fall into the habit of using cliches, making for a cringey exchange at the expense of romance. I did not feel any of the steamy scenes in this book were cringey or unnatural. These were pretty well done. The only thing I would have differently would be the pace at which the scenes flowed. The kisses and other intimate, romantic moments should have been drawn out a little more. I found most of these moments were about one sentence long and then it was on to the next. Slow it down and give the reader a chance to savor the feeling between the characters! Trust me, this will show the reader more of how each character feels in the moment.

At first, I did not understand the plot. I felt as though a lot was happening all at once and maybe some things weren’t explained enough. Now that I’ve finished the book, I have gained a more comprehensive understanding of what was going on but I have a few things I’ll touch on in the “Plot” section below.

There were absolutely no slow parts in this book whatsoever. While you never want your reader to be bored, you should want to give them time to digest what is happening. I think the amount of plot that happens in this novel could honestly be split into two books. Some scenes were much too short and needed further explanation. I’ll give specific examples in the “Plot” section.

Here is a list of gripping moments that made me want to keep reading!

• The first time REDACTED appeared in REDACTED. I liked how random it was when he showed up, because it truly felt like an interruption in the lives of the townsfolk, REDACTED included. 

• When the group was at REDACTED ’ home, REDACTED . That was an “oh shit!” moment for me, for sure! I was worried about what they were going to do when they left that I just had to keep reading to find out.

• Pretty much every scene with REDACTED as a main component. I truly enjoyed his character and felt that he added value to REDACTED ’s growth, the plot progression, and the story in general. 

• The first time REDACTED met REDACTED in that REDACTED . I was very curious to see what was in the room and why REDACTED  had fallen there specifically. 

• The scene where the town was going to REDACTED , before REDACTED ’s intervention. 

I wasn’t as hooked in the story as I thought I would be, but I think that was because there were many things happening one after another. This made it hard for me to care too deeply about any one particular plot point because they were so frequently changing.

Plot

A summary of the plot to help the writer understand what my takeaway as a reader was. 

REDACTED Plot summary redacted. Word count: 838

Overall impression of the plot.

The pace of the plot was quite fast. I felt like there were too many plot elements occurring both simultaneously and consecutively. This didn’t allow me to fully experience what was happening in the story because I was already rushed onto the next thing. I think what could improve this would be more interior reactions and planning from REDACTED ’s mind in the moment. I wanted to feel his emotions much more than I did. For example, when REDACTED asks REDACTED how he is REDACTED , there are no immediate thoughts that come to his mind. He just says, “Okay enough, under the circumstances.” A person that had just gone through REDACTED , would have some thoughts about that question. You do this in some scenes but in order for the reader to really connect with REDACTED , it needs to be much more frequent. 

I really liked how you interspersed character relationships with the main plot. However, I didn’t see the point in REDACTED  at the end just to have them REDACTED . REDACTED?

REDACTED 

I did really like how involved the gods were. That’s missing from a lot of stories these days. There were things that weren’t really shown however. They were only explained. For example, when REDACTED explains that the heightened sense of erotic feeling was due to REDACTED . This would be better shown to the reader through actions and feelings, rather than what REDACTED already knows. For example: “REDACTED  felt his pulse in his jones as REDACTED ’s gaze swept over him. His stomach churned with desire, and right now, all it took was one look. REDACTED moved in closer to REDACTED, catching a glimpse of REDACTED ’s statue in the corner. He could have sworn it winked at him.” Then the reader would gather the implication here that REDACTED is influencing the two, without the writing taking them out of the immersion. I think this example could be especially impactful during REDACTED . 

As I stated earlier, I think the plot could be split up into two different books. One book detailing REDACTED’s journey to uncover the truth, and a whole other book dedicated to his journey to REDACTED. I wanted REDACTED to have more time REDACTED, to talk everything out and have a real heart to heart. I think this would have helped explain some of the confidence he gained by the end of the novel. 

REDACTED 

Characters

Individual main character analysis.

Character #1

REDACTED 

At first, my impression of REDACTED was that he was naive and kind, which endeared me to him. I enjoyed seeing the world through his eyes. I felt as though his simple nature was a great starting point for character growth. Also, the fact that he learned to stand up for himself and set boundaries is a really relatable character arc. He also gained confidence by the end, which I thought was very plausible, given everything he went through.  

Character #2

REDACTED 

Her kick-ass attitude was really well translated, along with her fierce loyalty to REDACTED . She was a great contrast to REDACTED ’s timidity. I also liked how her REDACTED !

Character #3

REDACTED 

He was a good, supportive partner for REDACTED . Though he didn’t say much, I liked his character and felt that he was equally represented in the group.

Character #4

REDACTED 

I’m very glad that REDACTED was able to accept himself by the end of the book. I remember rolling my eyes at REDACTED so often because he was seriously blowing it with REDACTED !

Character #5

REDACTED 

I think REDACTED was my favorite character! He was unique and had a consistent perspective throughout the entire book. He was also very comfortable in his own skin, which I liked. I think you could even give the reader more of his backstory and it would make for an interesting chapter. For example, when he and REDACTED are sharing hot chocolate, and he says that he hasn’t shared a hot chocolate with anyone in a long time, you could fill that out a little with a story of his past love. REDACTED showing REDACTED vulnerability would make him more dimensional and bring the readers even closer to him.

Overall, I think everyone had a unique character voice. Well done!

Dialogue

Character voices mentioned here. The mix between narration and dialogue. Too much/too little dialogue. If there is any confusion in who is speaking, scenes where tags are unnecessary.

As I mentioned in the “First Impressions” section, some dialogue tags need to be revised, which will be taken care of through an editing pass. I found there was a fair balance between narration and dialogue. I think you did a good job of using silence as an effective communication as well. When REDACTED would simply ignore REDACTED , it said more than having a line with “REDACTED , I don’t want to talk.”

Plausibility

Do I feel like characters make decisions that don’t match up with their personality or the situation they are in? Ages, professional competencies, etc.

As far as character decisions, I think the main characters (REDACTED ) all behaved consistently. However, when REDACTED  after adventuring together and REDACTED , I did not think REDACTED. I can understand the intention of REDACTED  slipping into his old, comfortable habits, but I just don’t see how they wouldn’t at least have a small conversation about it at the first occurrence. 

I would have liked to have REDACTED ’s abilities be a bit more clear. I understood that he had REDACTED, but I was surprised by the fact that one of the villagers had REDACTED. Was this due to REDACTED ? REDACTED ? REDACTED ? Not understanding his abilities made the attacks feel less threatening in my opinion, simply because I didn’t know what to be afraid of. 

Genre

Did I feel that the story was true to the genre described? Did the writing style match the genre?

“Gothic Fantasy”

I feel this work is definitely fantasy. The gothic elements could come from the time period and the lack of technology. Although, I don’t really get any other ‘gothic’ vibes from it. This could be because I am less familiar with gothic fantasy.

Fantasy/Dystopia

Was there a solid balance of world building and plot or too much/not enough?

There was a fair amount of world building, but I felt the world may have been rushed through due to the sheer amount of plot points the book includes. 

This book could really benefit from a map! Whenever you build a new world for the reader, especially when the characters are traveling, it’s a good idea to have a map in the front of the book for reference. Plus, they’re so fun to make! You can find lots of free online map making software if you don’t have one in mind already. 

Overall Thoughts

A conclusion to the topics explored.

Overall, this was an enjoyable read. Here’s a summary of (most of) my main points!

• Slow down the romance so we can feel the tender moments.

• Slow down the plot so the reader can digest what’s happening.

• More interiority!

• Rename the “REDACTED ”

• Let the reader make some inferences (remove excess explanations).

• Add a map!

• Clarify REDACTED ’s abilities and why REDACTED .